13 March, 2009

i've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in the pits!

i am so frustrated with myself right now. i used to have SO much joy! i used to bubble over with the joy of life, sunshine and my incredible, loving Father and friend; where did it all go and how the heck do i get it back?!

what has changed between now and what used to be? i am in the battle of the century. i don't know how to get it back, but i know i absolutely must. i must because i cannot keep living like this, i cannot keep going day-to-day not accepting the beauty and incredibleness that each new day brings. it's my fault, my choice and i need to snap out of it.

today is one of "those" days:

one of those days where i feel like a selfish little girl, because i know i don't have it bad at all compared to anyone else in the world, but feel like crying about it anyway.
one of those days where i desperately need a Savior for my life and a Father to hold and keep me.
one of those days where i just can't take not having a voice any more.
one of those days where i miss people i can't always have.
one of those days where i miss the way i used to be but just do not in reality at all.
one of those days where i want, but i'm not sure that i need.
one of those days where i can't figure a single thing out.
one of those days where i am placid.
one of those days where i want to run.
one of those days where i want to live.
one of those days where i just don't know.
one of those days where i feel i'm too self-centered and self-focused.
one of those days where i want to get rid of it all and just start over.

and it doesn't have to be one of "those" days at all, does it? no. because it's my choice to make today what it will or will not be. it is not circumstance which dictates mood, but rather choice that dictates mood in circumstance.

"but let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy. spread Your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in You." psalms 5:11

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand." psalms 16:11

"then i will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. i will praise you with the harp, O God, my God." psalms 43:4

i have been all to angsty and "emo" on twitter as well as in life, as of late and it has to stop. i've been bringing everyone around me down, and kicking myself when i've been down! what kind of a jerk am i? someone hit me! i'm so sorry for bringing you all down, still, even after my promise! oh, i am such a fickle human being! i implore you all, forgive me for my bad attitude and bad example! i'm working on it, i'm working through it; i will persevere!

there are many things in my life that have me frustrated and a number of things that i just cannot change. in fact, most of the things that have me going batty up the walls i simply have no control over at this point in time. if then, i have no control or ability to change the way things are, i need to once again become okay with where i am and how things are and figure out how to plan for the future in a way in which will not make me mental now but that i can actually still plan.

i'm going crazy with no one to speak with about my petty little troubles, but that IS going to change, soon! i'm very excited. on tuesday mornings at 9 a.m. i will be meeting with my friend and pastor, Jennifer, every tuesday. it will be fantastic and since our first lunch meeting i have been so encouraged already.

i think part of all of this is the fact that, because of work, i've not been able to go to church at ALL for almost 3 months now. it has got me so low, low, low. having my mum tell me i'm wrong for not attending church hasn't helped the fact that i hate that i'm not there but can't do anything else about it. i go to school all day every day of the week, the weekends are the only days i have to work! that is another story completely, i am sorry.

this blog post is all over the place, but i don't care as you don't either!
i'm in class and annoyed with class.
i'm also hungry.
it's almost time to race home to drop off harriet before racing off to work.

if i could live anywhere in the world i would live:
in seattle.
in paris.
in germany.
in new york.
or in oregon.
i would like to move.

it's so difficult not having any way to add to the savings i've miraculously acquired and also having it sit there wistfully. i am trying so hard to be strong, i haven't bought anything in months! i'm proud of myself, it's not been easy. i suppose one day . . . 

one day the hopes and dreams of my heart will become realities! this is the hope i must cling to daily. i have faith that my trust and waiting will not be in vain, O Lord, please do not forsake me in this barren land! bring me out of this dry spell and teach me once again how to be alive! show me where to go and how to get there, do not leave my cries unanswered any longer, i beg of You. do not let the tears i cry into my pillow nightly be for naught, do not let my weary head and heavy heart be alone any more. let me feel Your arms around me once again, i implore You! help me find the joy that i have so carelessly misplaced and renew the hope to which i cling to get me through the day. though i am selfish and careless, please do not hold that against me. wipe my slate and make it clean, a fresh beginning in the season of new life; spring. make my life, every breath i breath, be for You and You alone. this is the cry of my heart: make me new! make my life for You and Your purpose on the earth! this is all i desire. take it all, take it all back i do not care; give me You!

it's sunshiney, it's lovely, it's warmish; life is wonderful because God is wonderful.
and it's not like i'm not happy, i'm happy! i'm just trudging through each day struggling to get to the sleeping part of it . . . annoying.
i will speak with you all some other time, hopefully with a poem to catch me up.

xxx mal


casi said...

You're so lovely.

Justin said...

Cheer up Mallory, it will all be over soon enough. I will try to spread out my joy in 16 class days after my final class of the semester is over. It will be the happiest day of this year for me and it will lead to the on going wait to come see you in June. Everything will get better, just look at the bright side for now and you will get through it. I just know it.