03 April, 2009

inadvertently

total word of the day.
-adjective
1. unintentional
2. not attentive; heedless
3. of, pertaining to, or characterized by lack of attention

all i've been inadvertently doing things a lot, lately; let me give you some examples:
- i have inadvertently been blogging every day (as everyone else and maureen johnson is doing for this beda thing). beda is idiocy and i don't mean it to seem like that's what i'm doing, i just have a lot of thoughts as of late, so sue me.
- i have inadvertently been causing loads and loads of hurt to demitri. i hate myself for it. if only i could explain to you all the ways i've been selfishly self-centered and horrid; it makes me sick.
- i have been inadvertently been not sleeping or eating, basically at all. i can't. i just don't get tired and i don't get hungry. at the same time, i'm exhausted and i'm famished, but in a different way than physically.

last night i was up until 4 a.m. after a really long and hard talk with d, and i've realized a lot of things. mostly how pushy and selfish i've been in regards to our relationship. there are a lot of details that i won't go into here on the interwebz, but i would just really appreciate prayers if any of you could spare them. just having some really hard times in life, as well as with d and i.

still waiting to hear back from uofpheonix, i'm pretty excited.

i need a lot of prayer. prayer for patience, wisdom, understanding, control, peace, rest and focus. if any of you could spare the time, i would appreciate your prayers so very greatly. i want to pray for you guys, too. so please leave any sort of prayer requests in the comments, or text or email me or something, if you don't want to say out in the open. i know a lot of you are having some hard stuff in your life, too. i love you, hang in there. we'll make it through this.

"come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." matthew 11:28

"for the LORD is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations." psalm 100:5

i'm hanging on for dear life and clinging to my Daddy to dull the empty ache that my heart is being numbed by. i am completely at the end of my human understanding, strength, ability to go on, and knowledge. all i am and all the things in life i need to do i absolutely need Him to lead me and help me in. i have nothing of myself left and have not the strength to go on without His hand. i am so desperate for His help, guidance and rest.

xxx mal

42 days

4 comments:

Anna Feyt said...

i don't know you at all really [except for reading your blog] but i will be praying for you. i think the way you can be so open about your relationships and faith and...well...humanity is amazing. totally inspirational =)

Mallory said...

@Anna: Thank you so much for your sweet comment, it totally brightened my night. I'm glad you find some sort of worth in the nonsensical blatherings of my day. Some days I feel it's selfish of me, in a way, to blog or want people to read my blog -- am I just an attention seeker? But it's so refreshing to hear that maybe it's not just for me after all! (Like I don't want it to be at all, :) In short, thank you very much, your comments touch me. (: xxm

Taylor said...

Hey Mallory,
From what I've read and seen in your videos you are an amazing person. You seem to have that personality that brightens up a room. I know my day is better when I watch your video, Candy Cane Lane.
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers, and I know that you already have the strength and focus within you. I am praying that the Lord helps you tap into that strength and focus.
I also need prayers, as a lot of crap is happening right now, and life is very stressful and hard. So, I ask that you pray for me if you find the time.
Btw, you're awesome!

~Taylor (Imadeadpyro)

Mallory said...

@Taylor it takes so much energy and focus to tap INTO strength and focus! haha, oh Lord be with me! XD thank you so much for your comment and prayers. please know that mine are with you. we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. (: xxm