Devoid

I feel entirely devoid of talent, inspiration, fervor, and creativity. All my heart keeps crying for is for God to just pour out on me and in me.

I want to do things. I want to do something for Him. I want to have purpose, to feel alive and loved. I want to have my life through my lens back. I want this year to be the start of something great. Something must be wrong with me, I feel I am so mediocre. I have settled on so many things.

I want to explode! I want to let myself burst at the seams! I feel like I'm trapped inside myself trying desperately to get out so that I might be passionate about everything I see again. How did I lose that? Do my eyes look dull? Has the glow of my heart become faint?

So many things have transformed into what I never could have ever imagined they would become. I am so hurt and numb. I've let all these situations and circumstances pile up on me and suffocate me and steal my joy. That makes me mad. It also makes me wonder if the people I love the most have seen me slipping away and have become disappointed. I truly hope not. Disappointing myself is as much as I can bear, I have grown so weary.

I have loved planning my wedding and I can't wait to see you all there, but honestly I can't wait for it to be over. I know April 24th will be the start of something amazing. God IS good and He IS faithful. I need to stop worrying about things and just remember to give it all to Him. The one thing I haven't "settled" on is my life with Demitrios and I cannot wait for it to begin. D is the most amazing man I have ever known and had the pleasure to call my friend. I can't wait to call him my husband.

God, You are so faithful. I love You.

xoxo m

Philippians 4:6

"Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done."