03 May, 2010

God is faithful

Psalm 91:7
"A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand may fall at your right hand, but it will not come near you."

I have moved many times and have scaled many a mountain in the process of living. I have learned many things, but at the same time am just beginning to learn. One thing I do know, however, is that God is always faithful.

Following God's will and taking the path of least resistance is not always an easy thing to do and I will level with you: it is not always something I have done. I have tried, this is true, but I have not always succeeded. I have gotten in the way more times than I care to admit or count, but I have been learning.

A year and a half ago I started down a path of much turmoil, little rest and constant movement. Tears came freely and peace was fleeting. It was the beginning of one of the strangest times in my life so far; learning to live through my circumstances in an entirely new way, God brought me the true best friend of my heart, and I felt the strain of trying to reach for God's arms as hard as I could.

Growing up homeschooled and in church I learned to follow the rules. If a sign said not to run in the halls you didn't run. If a teacher posed a question, answer it of course. You don't stay out after dark, you don't talk back, if you're told not to do something you don't do it. Many people called me a "Goody Two Shoes" and told me I was the "Teacher's Pet" and that I never did anything wrong. They were wrong, of course, but I saw nothing wrong with following the requests of those put in leadership over me.

When I was a young child my parents never had to discipline me rashly, I would come to them crying saying I was sorry almost as soon as I had committed whatever "horrible" deed I had just completed and turn myself in. I would beat myself up about it for hours afterward and run through all the different ways I "could have" or "should have" done it. That was punishment enough.

It was hard to have your friends tell you that you should break more rules, just come with us one time where we shouldn't go "no one will find out." If my friends didn't agree I simply didn't care. I esteemed the adults and the rules to be a higher standard and I held myself to that. I would never budge. Even through college my classmates and friends learned to respect my standards and understood my reasoning: God had a higher standard for me.

There are some things, though, that my gut simply told me I wanted to please people in. For instance, even though I didn't care what my friends thought of what I did the adults around me and their opinions of my actions meant everything to me. I wanted what I was doing to please them and win their respect. I did in most things and always felt a stab of self-dissapointment when I "let one of them down."

Pleasing the significant people around me was always paramount in things such as what college I got into, test scores, my driver's test scores, my academic accomplishments, my driving skills, my choice of boys, my life decisions, putting school on hold, etc. It wasn't until that year and a half ago (ish) that I realized something vitally important: God is a trump card.

Many of the trials I have wandered are a direct result from me putting my foot down, standing up for myself and telling people "no." No I would not settle. No I would not take the easy road. No I would not put anyone and anything before what God has told me I am to do. I rocked the boat big time.

Everyone may desert you at one point in your life. You may epically "fail" yourself and those around you beyond anything you ever imagined you would. You may make one decision and when you turn around have no friends, no family or no comfort for miles in sight. When this happens the one friend who sticks becomes your confidence and the God you know, love and trust becomes your lifeline.

Through this past year and a half I have been stretched, trampled on, abandoned, loved beyond my capacity, cared for beyond my deserving and totally taken apart and reconstructed. There has been nothing in life that I have yet experienced that has been so painful, lonely and grueling at the same time as being everything I needed at the same time. Ever.

I am finally reaching the end of this real life Frogger game and this precarious road I have been enduring. I am thankful and ever so blessed. I know that the end of this road is sure to be the beginning of another, it always is, but I am excited for what lies around the next bend in the road.

God is the ultimate opinion of me and my life, no matter how much of a disappointment I may be to myself and those around me. I can never ditch God, He will never stop loving me and He will never leave nor forsake me. He is ever constant and ever true. His love never fails.

The same is true for you.

I have found my true family in the most patchwork quilt kind of way. I have learned to allow some things to be about me and I have allowed others to touch me instead of always (and only) being the one to pour out. My heart finds delight in the children I have the privilege of teaching in Sunday school and I am 100% okay with following my King and Father wherever He may lead. I am His little princess and I am captivated by His love.

God is good, all the time. He delights in me and He delights in you.

2 Timothy 4:17
"But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth."

xoxo m


Anonymous said...

This is inspiring. :) Thank you.

Ashley said...

You are so insightful! Thanks so much for sharing this :) It's always nice to have a little reminder that you can't make God stop loving you!

Sheila said...

He is our soul provider. What mercy, what grace, in that He works in us and changes us in the most unforseen ways. He is so big, and so great. It's good to read your blog, Mallory. Thanks.

In Christ,