i've fixed my isight, i'm brilliant!

yesterday was such a relief. i was able to confess to jennifer all of the little (and big) concerns, hurts and worries of my little, girlish heart.

i want you to want me, i need you to need me, i need you to want me, and i want you to need me.

my life has taken an interesting turn, as of yesterday. i find it most interesting that demitri said he saw an image of me at the edge of a cliff, looking over a loud and raging ocean. he saw me pause merely a moment, then jump. he saw this image on monday night. i find it intriguing, due to the fact that as of yesterday morning, that's exactly what i've done.

there are many things, reasons and parts that go into this; things i don't feel necessary to share here. but if you could, please pray for me. i'm facing one of the biggest mountains i've ever faced, now. take heart, and do not worry as i do not, because i've got my joy back. surprisingly, i've also a huge amount of peace and comfort. i know what i have to do, but i don't want to. i'm strong enough, but i don't want to be strong enough. i'm not worried, but i almost want to be. it's a very surreal moment in time and i'm not quite sure how to deal with it right now, other than to pray without ceasing and press in, in, in.

there are so many things i want to say and push. i've already said and pushed too much, however, and now find myself ready and knowing i need to pull back some.

i feel once again, as i did in september, that i'm on the verge of something huge. still trying to hear and figure out how to go about it, though.

i didn't do SO well on my test as i had hoped. 54/100, i'm pretty lame and need to focus/study more, more, more.

you may have noticed the blog for anthropology on here, a couple days ago. that's because i've gotta blog for that class weekly and had been putting it aside until this last week. now i've got to do each blog each week, to be able to get the 10 in i need for the semester, and pass the class.

i rescheduled my newspaper meetings until next tuesday, work decided to schedule me again, that tuesday but i asked sammie and she's going to cover me so i can still attend and make contacts.

i'm so excited for spring break. i have 2 days off for the week, due to work, so i won't be bashing around on any superexciting trips or really getting away much at all as the days i have off will be devoted to working on the huge projects that start being due in all my classes as soon as uni resumes. i'm still looking forward to no school. i'll go on at least two walks.

xxx

mal

chaos subsiding; pressing forward and pressing on.

i'm desperate for summer. the countdown widget i have on my dashboard says "60 days until summerrrr!" oh, how it taunts. i should get one that counts down til spring break, that one would say "5 dayssssss!" and it would be much closer and i would feel more accomplished when i got there. i like small, easily attainable goals that i can get done with minimal amounts of waiting and then cross off my "to-do" list. even if it's only bits of bigger goals being accomplished little by little. sometimes, i even write things down on my to-do list simply so that i can cross them off again and feel like i've done something. that's probably cheating, isn't it?

$50 every paycheck is now going instantly into my "savings fund." that will be interesting to keep up, but the way i've plotted it out seems like it'll work. i have $2,000 now, and so in 20 months at that rate that will be $3,000! i'm hoping that on months where i don't use a lot of gas, have to buy a lot of food or pay insurance twice (like i accidentally did this month) i'll be able to squeeze $100 in as a bonus of sorts. (: and i haven't been making any purchases lately, in fact, not since january. so i think i'm off to a good start, i am determined.

i'm really excited, because i've just realized that my uncle has a fixed-up starter type house that he's finished and has been trying to sell for agessssss. my plan is to get up to $5,000 saved and then see if i can't use it as a down payment on the house. i'm going to be calling him (hopefully) today and see if i can take a look at it/what he would suggest if i really DO want to buy it and how i could go about doing just that. it's possible i wouldn't have to go through any banks if i can get him to do a seller-contract thing, i hope. that would be fantastic. i'd still need some credit, however, because i obviously couldn't buy the house outright and would need to borrow a good chunk of change. i need to work on that, pronto. oh, and another job possibly? yeah, moneyyy.

demitri took my shift yesterday so i could go to church for the first time in nearly three months. it was great to see everyone again, and see my sunday school kids. i had no voice, but they didn't really mind. it was lovely.

tomorrow will be nice. i can't make it out to the newspaper for the weekly story meeting/staff meeting like i was originally going to because work scheduled me to work a tuesday, all of a sudden and out of the blue and demitri was going to be an absolute angel and just take the shift for me, but his mum is in a bad sort at the moment and he just can't leave her at home, which i wouldn't want him to and completely understand. so now i'm not going and am going to work instead. next week is spring break, so i'll just go to the paper that tuesday instead. :) also, i'm meeting with jennifer in the morning at this little coffee/smoothie shop for our first morning get together since lunch. i am very, VERY excited and i know it will be a brilliant start to my tuesday.

school is drudging along. i had a scare last week – the week when i was sick and didn't move from my bed – because that wednesday i actually had a test in my cultural communication class! omw, it had me all in a tizzy when i got to school the following monday and my classmate jayme said "so how did you do think you did on the test?" i obviously didn't think i did well since i hadn't been in attendance! thankfully my professor hadn't graded the tests like he was supposed to have and let me make it up that evening while he was teaching his 6-8 p.m. class. i hadn't really studied, but by the grace of God i think i didn't do too poorly; we'll find out tonight. :S

spring break is next week, the 21-28; i'm so excited. after tuesday, if i'm not working, i'm skipping town until friday and possibly going on a day-trip to the beach with D. it will be so nice to get away.

after spring break will not be fun. i originally was under the impression that i was losing some of my classes mid-semester . . . that was a misconception. in reality, i'm actually merely gaining a class after spring break, on tuesday and thursday evenings.

i've been recently introduced to the possibility of a nanny job every monday and tuesday evening. i've yet to hear back from the woman, torrie, regarding it but we'll see. i don't really think it will work out anymore, because of how the semester will be looking after spring break resolves, but time will tell.

it is getting so chaotic to try and juggle school and work, not to mention anything to do with my social life: my family, friends or boy. i'm getting to the point of breaking and am to that point of the school year where i just need to put my head down, focus on school and the other mundane tasks of life and plow through it. it's awful of me, but it's almost as if i don't know how to deal with it unless i ignore everything but what i have to do to get through the rest of this horrible season in order to make it out on the other side happy and alive. the Lord is my strong tower and i am clinging to Him, desperately pushing through each single mountain of a day at a time.

i've no idea where i'm supposed to be going or how i'm supposed to be getting there, but God has been renewing my joy and slowly but surely i feel the sun is once again coming out in my heart. i've been better about getting into the word the past week and remembering as i always used to, to "pray without ceasing" has been helping heaps as well. i will praise the Lord with my mouth and life, ever lifting up His name in the way that i think, speak and act. the best way i can explain it is: for a good while now i felt as though i was simply floating through space without direction but attempting to make direction out of the nothing i was surrounded by. now, i feel as though i've my guide back once again. though it is still dark all around me and i can't make out the ground from the sky, i don't feel as alone anymore and i feel as though chaos has subsided. (that may not make much sense, and for that i am sorry, but i understand what i mean.)

i've got to hop off to class, now. i can't believe it's midterm week, i just want it to be over! saturday will come sooner than imagined, i'm sure. and thursday i look forward to the crashing of my dear friend Melissa and her brother Ben for the evening as they are up from Idaho for a youth trip through the weekend. (:

thank you all for your prayers and your support, it means so much to me. love to you all. God is good, life is good, and remember; smile, because you can.

xx mal