"More Zoo"

Lately, I've been in a place in life where I just don't know where my next turn or move should be. I call out to God, I pray, I talk with Him constantly (it's a steady, all-day conversation, just like it's always been), I read His word and I listen for a reply at all times. I've not gotten the reply I'm looking for, in fact, I don't even think I've heard any sort of response at all. Not a peep. Have you ever been here? It's not a place I have frequented often in my life, in fact, I've hardly been a passer-through. Now, however, I seem to have found myself a somewhat permanent resident and I do not like it one bit.

Now, I'm the kind of girl that while I do not at all require huge, flashy displays or signs (I consider myself rather keen on picking up subtle clues and hints) I love people and I love conversation. That being said, maybe you can imagine my dismay and – to be completely honest – slight confusion when my absolute best friend of life just one day seems silent on me.

I say "seems" silent, because I don't know; maybe I've just gotten worse at listening over the years, maybe I don't make room for it, maybe I'm not going about listening in the right way, I'm not sure but I'm not leaving out any considerable options at this point. I am desperate and somewhat disillusioned as to what to do, how to do it or where to go next.

But that is much too easy to say, I just realized. Maybe I am "disillusioned" because I'm not listening correctly, maybe I'm "disillusioned" because I'm drowning Him out, or maybe I'm "disillusioned" because I'm not really, honest-to-goodly making the time for Him that I really think I am. Maybe it's that I expect Him to speak to me on my terms, when I have the time. (i.e. at work, in the car, while I'm working on my website . . .) though honestly, I don't care when or how He speaks to me so long as I hear something – I am just beginning to think there may have never been a time when the line "It's not you, it's me!" has been so appropriate.

There are a lot of things I know, and I don't consider myself to be a silly when it comes to knowledge; and I have also experienced so many great and wonderful things of Him in life that I do not doubt His greatness or presence in my life at all! There is, however, the humbling fact that I am not the same person I was when I was 13. Where before I may have looked at that sign and say, "Oh, 'more zoo' means there is more of the zoo that way, what part I don't know, but there's more of it whatever 'more' turns out to be!" now I sometimes find myself saying, "Oh dear, I see that it says 'more zoo,' but what exactly is 'more zoo'? Is it the tigers, the lions, or the bears?" and it is a humbling fact that I think I have come to realize (only this much in the writing of this blog!) but also one I need to remedy as soon as possible. I want to return to my childlike faith, and that is not something easily done with even a speck of pride. I don't consider myself a prideful person, and I don't have many problems admitting when I'm wrong, but I do enjoy being right! Now, however, I believe I am wrong. I think it's time to take another journey . . .

I know that He loves me. I know that He wants the best for me. I know that He speaks to us at the times He deems right, and not always on our time or our terms. I know that He is good. I know that He is faithful. I do not question His faithfulness, goodness or the direction He has for my life; I know He has it and I know it's awesome and can't wait to take my part in His big plans for the world! My only questions are what, when, where and how. "What do I do to get started?", "When does He want me to get started?",  "Where does He want my part in this plan and my destiny to take place?" and "How am I going to do it?" I'm cool with blindly following, I completely trust Him with my life and my destiny . . . but I don't feel like just getting up and carrying on like I've always carried on is going to cut it much longer – there is something I'm supposed to be doing.

My pastors and dear friends Micah and Jennifer have been encouraging me non-stop to remain focused on Him with all I am; and I have been trying, trying, trying. But I have to tend to "real life" and responsibilities too, how do I juggle both? My scales of balance have been skewed so drastically, I find that in the car, in the shower, at work and in my head constantly just talking to Him about my day, my thoughts and my concerns are the only times I really get to spend much time with Him aside from my nightly readings. Church, my Tues. meetings with Jennifer and Mon. bible study are huge priorities for me, and I hope He sees that. I'm trying.

The women at bible study and Jennifer have been such blessings in my life, I have no words for how much of an impact they all have been making on my life and I've been leaning on them all so much for so many supports, lately. I feel almost as though I'm taking too much of people's time, but I cannot do it without them and I need the wisdom and support of those so much wiser than me now more than ever, and I need the accountability, to boot.

The world is pulling on me in a million different directions now more than I've ever felt before in my life. I feel as though I'm in a whirlwind daily. The only things I know for fact right now, like I said, are that I love Jesus and I know He loves me and is always right beside me no matter how dark it may get and that He will never leave me or forsake me. In that I find peace. Sometimes it's so hard to find His voice out of all the others that shout at me throughout the day. I find myself at night asking myself how I let myself start my day with the understanding and head-knowledge that all that matters in that day is Him and the purpose He has for the earth and me, and then by that night having been side-tracked with all the daily "life" thoughts. I don't want to have those thoughts, and I don't want to "busy" myself with anything other than His plans for me. I wish I knew a way to remove work from my daily life and just be with Him like I used to, but for now I'm doing my best with what I have and trying to be a light for Him in the darkness and an example of His love to all wherever I go. It's all I know to do.

I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt how or where He wants to use me, I just know He wants to use me. I'm trying to find the place He needs and wants me to be, and I'm hoping that I find it sooner rather than later. I am so eager to get going with His plans for me! I'm just itching to start going and being and doing, and I want to jump and run and shout after every time I'm around the energy that is present at church on Sunday mornings but after service I seem to be hit with the realization that I don't know how or what or where. I don't really know any of the path, but I'm trying to walk down it anyway. How do I just jump in and start going? I'm still trying to work that all out, is that how He means me to start? Simply by starting? I'm not sure, but I know I cannot stay immobile any longer, so my plan is to just keep doing what my hands find to do until I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm supposed to be in some other role.

That's all I have for you all, just an update on my asking until it is given to me, seeking until I have found and knocking until the door(s) are opened unto me. Life is a crazy journey, you guys, and it is very daily. I find peace and reassurance in the fact that each day only comes one at a time and that I am never, ever alone in the endeavor that each day is. Our God is a great, big God; the only God in the heavens and on the earth! I cannot wait to see all nations and kingdoms bow before His greatness, He alone is worthy from now until forever! I am so thankful to be able to call Him my friend.

Matthew 7:7

"Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you."

Psalm 119:105 & 106

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow Your righteous laws."

The thing about it, too, is that He rarely chooses us for positions we feel completely ready to take on! A lot of the time, we just have to trust Him and say, "Okay." and it all falls into place. That's the way He tends to do almost everything, so the same with speaking to me. Lord, I think this is the part where I ask You to help me attain more patience. :P Or is that what you're trying to teach me all a long anyway?

Thank you all for your prayers and support, I appreciate them so very much.

xx m

goals and such the like

i have decided by the time i am twenty-three (at the latest) i am going to have enough saved up for a down payment on a nice, small house. i've factored $13-$15,000 into my budget and in order to reach that goal while still maintaining my monthly bills and lack of debt i'll need to put aside about $180 dollars a month for the next 3.5 years. i am determined and i know i can do it. this means no more spending on anything at all from now until then other than regular monthly expenses and maybe the occasional movie attendance here and there. (i have factored a "fun money" jar into my life for this very occasional, necessary splurge.)

i feel bad for wanting to move out as much as i do, and it's not that i'm trying to get out to get away from my family – i'm not. it's just that i've outgrown my current living quarters. i have room and need stretching/growing room. i spend most of my time away from the house, these days, and when i am home (now that it's summer) i've been outside more and more which only proves to me that i'm crowded inside and need to get out, out, out. or something.

it is fifteen days away from the gathering and mine and kimmi's escape to oregon. i am more excited than i know how to express.

summer/end-of-year goals:

- book of poetry

- photography business

- go to a drive-in movie

- OREGON

- drink 1 water bottle and 3 cups of water daily

- exercise 25 minutes minimum every other day

(to be updated as i see fit.)

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in other news, i spent a wonderful day with my dear friend Elise and her beautiful children buzzing around seattle, yesterday. it was so much fun. we went for gyros, played at the park and then went to splash in the fountain at seattle center. it was the best day ever.

[photo]

she had some really great advice for me as far as photography and life goes, it was so nice to just chat with her and spend some time with her. she is such a lovely woman and i enjoy her company and heart so much! she is one of the most real, down-to-earth, fun, living in the real world but not OF this world Christian example if i ever knew one. i am so blessed to know her.

at this point in my week, or the last couple weeks i suppose, i just feel really topsy-turvy. i know what i want, but i only know how to attain about 31% of what i want; frustrating. my main goals are: photo business, escape to oregon, move out, get an iPhone.

also, i suppose i'm going back to school in the fall. i don't want to, i don't want to at all. but i think i've discovered now that if i don't just finish i will never, ever want to go back and probably never will.

things are all of a sudden so uncertain, it feels like. i really just need to cry and i don't want to at all. i want to be bubbling over with happiness, smiles and joy like i used to be -- i'm aspiring and learning how, once again. i often wonder how people like esther and job did it. when i was younger i used to pray for a heart like david's and wisdom like solomon's . . . i think God has granted me much of what i prayed so diligently for (there is always more to learn, however, of course.) i am now in pursuit of patience and joy in the midst of confusion and uncertainty as esther and job had. Lord grant me peace and teach me how to trust You in the ways i so effortlessly fail.

xxx

m

poems from february

04 february, 2009

gunmetal

grey,

what did you say?

underground

way,

where do you stay?

flowers in

may,

all fun and play.

04 february, 2009

shiny lips,

social quips

never do me right;

ruffled sheets

and limousines

fall into my sight.

hold me

close and

let me stay,

'twined around your

toes.

where you start

and where i 

stop,

what a grand unknown;

ruffled sheets,

abandoned clothes,

scattered on the

rug.

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new stuff, hope you like! it's going straight into my book of poetry that is coming along quite nicely, if i do say so myself, with eighteen (including these two) poems in it so far. i am very excited. as soon as i have 25 poems and get some art whipped up for them i will be looking into getting it published to sell, are you guys still interested?

also, i'll be putting up photographs for single sale soon. (:

school is over in an hour and fifteen, it's great to be back, i've missed you all!

weekly discussion #13, (anth 101, class)

Pick one of the following problems and explain how you think anthropology could contribute to finding a solution:

- Unequal access to health care and pandemic threats

- Education of diverse students in public schools

- Mediating religious conflict

- Planning and designing cities and public transportation

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I feel that anthropology can (and needs to) contribute greatly to the planning and designing of cities and public transportation. In order for cities to operate in a functional way the people of said cities and the persons using the public transportation need to be taken into account.

Anthropologists can play a crucial role in understanding cultures and the people of those cultures and how they interact with the cities and environments they live in. Planning a city or a new route of public transportation requires an understanding of people that I don't think is as well understood as it could be or should be.

Too often all that seems to be taken into account is the politicians and their budget desires and whims and not enough the needs and cares of the people who have to live in those cities the politicians decide to form as they wish.

These decisions, made solely on the part of the politicians and governments, results in lack of transportation or inadequate housing availability for those who may need the support of their local governments and politicians to make it.

Anthropology is about studying people and culture, and an anthropological stand-point and view on the cultural and city/transportation needs and problems would be crucial and key to understanding how to help the culture and people. An anthropological stand would help shift the outlook from a political view to hopefully to a more people-oriented one.

Surely the government will always be the government, and politicians will always have their biases and slants, but I am still hopeful that more involvement from anthropologists would help lessen the impact of agendas.

weekly discussion #12 (anth 101, class) + extra credit #3

Reflect on the readings from C&C chapters 11, 13, 17, 37 and 38. Pick three of these to discuss in detail in relationship to the film "Black Gold."

First based on these case studies and the film, what do you think the relationship is between environmental sustainability, economic development and human health?

What roles could applied anthropologists play in assisting people in these goals?

And finally, do you think cultural survival is possible with economic development? Why or why not? How could anthropologists assist in ensuring cultural survival along with improvement in people's material lives?

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The film "Black Gold" highlighted the African coffee farmers and their struggles. Like the Guarani spoken about in C&C chapter 13, they depend on their farming techniques to grow their coffee in hopes of a fair trade price to sustain them. The Guarani us a slash-and-burn method which preserves and enriches the soil that their plants consume in the regular harvesting process by renewing it tri-annually. Being forced to conform is killing them, bringing disease and harmful industrialism to their land and destroying the land they depend on for survival.

Because their land is being destroyed and they themselves even have to destroy the land and their healthy coffee crops in order to make way for other crops that are more profitable, out of desperation, the economy of Africa is being harmed greatly by outside "aid." The World Bank organization, for example, forces third world countries into dependance on first world countries and leaves them no options but to accept their aid and conform to their standards and rules. It requires countries like Africa to become reliant on their aid in such a way that it is almost impossible for them to break away and become economically stable and sustainable on their own.

Environmental sustainability, economic development and human health are all inter-related. In order to maintain a healthy human life humans must have a sustaining environment in which to harvest food, create shelter and clothes, become educated and have the clean food, water and living arrangements that are crucial to warding off disease. Unfortunately, as with most things in life, it is hard to secure such things without money. With the world economy growing as it is, and the focus becoming more and more on the world's pocketbook as a whole, third world countries are getting pushed to the wayside unless they reach out for the "helping" hand of larger, more powerful countries. Because of the lack of personal economic growth the sustainability of their houses, well-being and educations are being compromised as well as their basic life-needs such as food, water and medicine.

As I said before, most governmental organizations who reach out are only in it for what it brings back to them; this is where I believe anthropologists can and should step in. Anthropologists study people, people and their ways of life, no better do I think a person than to reach out and bridge the gap between power hungry governments and hurting people. I'm not saying the power hungry governments are just going to go away, but governments do tend to listen a little better when a trained scientist tells them something. Well, sometimes. It's better than just a random person off the street, anyway. Either way, I believe it's worth a shot - and anthropologists need to take the risks for the people who can't and step in and assist where possible. People who know and want to help people need to be the ones who do, not power hungry politicians who simply know how to toss their weight around and hit the most people while their down.

I do think cultural survival is possible with economic development, to some extent. In order to trade powerfully, lower-income countries with less presence in the global marketplace need to make it some priority to form a presence in the global marketplace. And in this global marketplace things are done certain ways. Some of these ways are not in line or familiar to certain cultures, which makes it extremely difficult for certain cultures to participate. This is where I think anthropologists can come in, in this case. As with the man who was the ambassador as it were for the African coffee farmers so can anthropologists assist in being the middle men. I think it is important for the people who need the help to get the help but with the least amount of meddling as possible. The more "middle men" that anthropologists can help educate in the ways of how the outside marketplace works the more that knowledge will spread. I believe then the countries who need to be involved but do things differently culturally will be able to function within both settings. Just as at school we students act students and in our workplaces we act employee, it will give them adaptability and knowledge of both and therefore more abilities without harming their cultural traditions too much.

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Share one book, video or website that dramatically changed the way you think about other people, the world you live in, yourself, your nation, your culture or your religion.

It cannot be anything that was given out in class.

Briefly summarize the item you chose. Then, explain how it affected you and what you learned from it.

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I recently read a book titled "Überbower" by Josef Joffe. He is a German author who now resides in the states and writes about how the outside world views America. As Americans we tend to like to be in everybody else's business and we always seem to be "helping" someone. That is exactly what Joffe's book is about. It follows the fall of Soviet Russia, the Berlin Wall and leads up to the time now when America seems to the world to be the lone "top dog", as it were, in the world of power at the time.

He notes in his book how we always have our noses in someone else's business, as I said, and of course we're "only helping." But in reality, why are we there? One of the Norwegian students in one of my other classes is always questioning that. He has mentioned that to Norway, as well as to much of the rest of the world, America feels like a big brother and a leader in such things as the ways of life, but he also questions why we feel we must be involved with or do everything for everyone.

There is the argument on the other side that if America doesn't step up no one else will, but to a certain extent I think that if that is the case it is only that way as of now because we always have "stepped up to the plate" and now everyone else is just used to it. Now that "America's got it" why would anyone else bother, and why should they? If given the opportunity to have someone else do everything for me I wouldn't turn it down! At the same time, still, does America really need to be involved with the entire world at the same time and fighting everyone's wars for them? Maybe it should be more of an ally thing, more togetherness and less apartness.

I digress; his book really opened my eyes to another perspective on America's involvement in the rest of the world because while he questions the extent of the involvement from an outsider's perspective he also applauds and thanks from the same perspective. I would most certainly recommend it as a read.