01 April, 2009

changes

in the past couple of days i've thought long and hard about a lot of things, and this the conclusion that i've come to: things are changing, going to change, and need to change.

here are some of the issues i'm facing, at the moment:
- jetty
- money
- school (i hate it)
- not enough time with:
-- my family
- juggling:
-- school
-- work
-- coursework (busywork)
- school (i hate it)
- my room
- getting no sleep
- harriet

oh, and did i mention i hate school? right, i must have, but let me re-emphasize: i really, really, really hate it. it's not the fact that i'm in school, or going to school; not at all! i love school, and learning, and doing coursework and reading . . . or at least i used to. that was until i came here, to PLU. PLU has sucked the lifeblood out of my spirit toward school. it is killing me. i spent about 2.5 hours two nights ago just bawling my eyes out to my mum about everything. she told me, "mallory, you can't change everything at once. let's take it one step at a time. tomorrow we'll get some of the stuff in your room in boxes so it's out of sight until you can deal with it and then we'll look into online universities, okay?" it was very kind of her to sooth my tired heart, and i felt a little better but still went to bed exhausted.

the next day, however, i did get some things done in my room (which was a relief) and i am waiting to hear back what i can make my credits into as far as BA degrees go at the university of phoenix online. they don't have a degree in "journalism" because for that sort of degree you have to physically do internships and stuff and that isn't something that can be done online. they do have a degree in communication, though, and that's what i'll go for. i was really looking forward to having "journalism" on my degree, but at this point i just don't care anymore. besides, it's not like having a degree in "communication" will hold me back from the journalistic field, not at all.

that uni seems like it would be just right for me. it would allow me to (possibly) move into a full-time position at work (more about that later), get these classes done with quick and at my own schedule and set my own vacations. incredible. i'm already qualified for financial aid, which is awesome, all i need to do now is get it all going and started before pre-registration for fall comes around here at plu. (which happens on the 10-12th, ugh.)

one of my other main problems is i haven't been getting any sleep at night, really. i just lie awake for hours at night, until about 2/3 a.m. when i finally crash into a restless "sleep" where my eyes are shut but i'm not getting any rest whatsoever. i wake up every couple hours and then like clockwork, at 8 a.m. i think part of it is that my room is frigid. which weirds me out because i have a heater vent in my room, and if i have my door shut one would think that all the heat would just stay put. it doesn't, though. i don't know what the problem is but i know it's awful. plus i'm lonely, that's another part of it. mum and d say i look like i've lost a lot of weight and look tired a lot. well, i am tired a lot, but i haven't lost any more weight since i've been sick. (which then i lost about 17 pounds, just from that awful hybrid illness i had a few weeks back.) kimmi says i must have insomnia because all my "symptoms" point straight in the direction of such. i'm not convinced, i just know i can't sleep.

i've been enjoying life a little bit more in certain regards i'd rather not disclose at the moment, but i'm sure you'll all find out soon enough. that's nice. with God's help and Jennifer's gentle reminders i'm slowly, painfully learning to be more patient and just wait. it's so awfully impossible to be so, though. i just want to explode with excitement and hope! oh, please let it be soon!

because of school and the stupid hours i have to maintain for that; driving to, being on campus, being in class, etc., i've had to cut back a lot in my availability at work. to put it simply: it sucks. i feel like i'm just wasting my time here, and i'd much rather be doing something with my life. Apple allows me to do something, it's a wonderful job and i love it. i'd rather be there than here at this horrible place any hour of the day. there are lots of changes happening at work, most of which are good and i'm excited for, i just don't want to miss out on them due to school. which, if you recall, i loathe. (plus, money kind of comes in handy when you have bills to pay. just a little, right?)

harriet isn't helping my current situation, either. i recently upgraded her to leopard and ilife '09, but ever since i have nothing has been working. it's adding insult to injury, honestly. so far garage band, imovie, iphoto, photobooth and mail have all failed/had something wrong with them. it started with my iSight not working, then i fixed that. then my mic didn't work, then i sort of fixed that. now mail will not work period. it ate a whole huge and important email i was trying to send to d the other day, and it just won't work. i've tried updates, exploding it, reseting it, etc. but still nothing. now i'm going to have to do a partial system archive and re-install of just the mail portion of the os, ugh.

i'm super frustrated with school and work both for keeping me from my boy so often. i literally see him maybe once a week, sometimes it's once a week and a half. as of monday it's going to be impossibly hard to see him for the rest of this semester (month and a half) just because of our work schedules and my stupid school and all this damn coursework i have that i don't have time for in the first place. I HATE PLU.

i hate PLU. a lot of the professors are lovely, and i enjoy them, but i dislike most all of the students and i hate the university as a whole. it's just an overrated prep school that costs way too much money and only works if you don't. (don't work that is, a job and what-not.) also, if you don't live on campus, it's near impossible to go here. basically, it's completely wrong for me and i don't know how i ended up here. oh well, though. what's done is done, i'm going to be out of here soon, soon, soon and all will be better, i'm sure of it. it may take me just a little bit longer to get the degree done, but to get out of here it would be worth it.

i needed a vent, thank you all, if you listened.
i'm hoping to get a dog soon, someone to keep me company, ward off the shadows and dreams at night, and sleep on the foot of my bed to keep me warm.

after school i'm going to race home to drop harriet off at home and race off to catch d getting off work at three. i feel just like the old times when he would get off work at the firm and race to the mall to see me and spend time with me on my breaks. swoon.

xxx mal

4 comments:

Vongn said...

“Yesterday our troubles seemed so far away, I believe in yesterday.”

Follow your heart, do what you love to do.

I really enjoy your posts, they are long but really easy to read, and don't seem that long at all.

say Cheese!

Anonymous said...

i just want to say that online classes are a lot harder than you think. yes you can do them at your own pace.. and yes you don't have to take the time to go to class. especially those stupid ones where there is no point of even being there.. that is lovely. however, it still requires about the same amount of time and it is muucchh easier to get behind. just a warning before you get super stoked on it. I love online classes.. not knocking them at all. I just felt the same way as you.. and I knew nothing about them.. and I had to drop the first one I was taking and start over the following semester and a better pace bc i realized how to actually do it. I realized it really wasn't as much on my own time as i though. but it is. i like it better.. i just wanted to let u know that so your not like i was!! it sucked!! good luck with everything! :)

Mallory said...

@Vongn thank you, sir. (:

@Anonymous yes, they sure are! i've done online classes before, and have been homeschooled my whole life so i'm welllll aquatinted with self-schooling as it were. :p
thank you for the reminder, though! (:

thatzak said...

the only thing I can say is <333333

lets talk soon k?