changes

in the past couple of days i've thought long and hard about a lot of things, and this the conclusion that i've come to: things are changing, going to change, and need to change.

here are some of the issues i'm facing, at the moment:

- jetty

- money

- school (i hate it)

- not enough time with:

-- my family

- juggling:

-- school

-- work

-- coursework (busywork)

- school (i hate it)

- my room

- getting no sleep

- harriet

oh, and did i mention i hate school? right, i must have, but let me re-emphasize: i really, really, really hate it. it's not the fact that i'm in school, or going to school; not at all! i love school, and learning, and doing coursework and reading . . . or at least i used to. that was until i came here, to PLU. PLU has sucked the lifeblood out of my spirit toward school. it is killing me. i spent about 2.5 hours two nights ago just bawling my eyes out to my mum about everything. she told me, "mallory, you can't change everything at once. let's take it one step at a time. tomorrow we'll get some of the stuff in your room in boxes so it's out of sight until you can deal with it and then we'll look into online universities, okay?" it was very kind of her to sooth my tired heart, and i felt a little better but still went to bed exhausted.

the next day, however, i did get some things done in my room (which was a relief) and i am waiting to hear back what i can make my credits into as far as BA degrees go at the university of phoenix online. they don't have a degree in "journalism" because for that sort of degree you have to physically do internships and stuff and that isn't something that can be done online. they do have a degree in communication, though, and that's what i'll go for. i was really looking forward to having "journalism" on my degree, but at this point i just don't care anymore. besides, it's not like having a degree in "communication" will hold me back from the journalistic field, not at all.

that uni seems like it would be just right for me. it would allow me to (possibly) move into a full-time position at work (more about that later), get these classes done with quick and at my own schedule and set my own vacations. incredible. i'm already qualified for financial aid, which is awesome, all i need to do now is get it all going and started before pre-registration for fall comes around here at plu. (which happens on the 10-12th, ugh.)

one of my other main problems is i haven't been getting any sleep at night, really. i just lie awake for hours at night, until about 2/3 a.m. when i finally crash into a restless "sleep" where my eyes are shut but i'm not getting any rest whatsoever. i wake up every couple hours and then like clockwork, at 8 a.m. i think part of it is that my room is frigid. which weirds me out because i have a heater vent in my room, and if i have my door shut one would think that all the heat would just stay put. it doesn't, though. i don't know what the problem is but i know it's awful. plus i'm lonely, that's another part of it. mum and d say i look like i've lost a lot of weight and look tired a lot. well, i am tired a lot, but i haven't lost any more weight since i've been sick. (which then i lost about 17 pounds, just from that awful hybrid illness i had a few weeks back.) kimmi says i must have insomnia because all my "symptoms" point straight in the direction of such. i'm not convinced, i just know i can't sleep.

i've been enjoying life a little bit more in certain regards i'd rather not disclose at the moment, but i'm sure you'll all find out soon enough. that's nice. with God's help and Jennifer's gentle reminders i'm slowly, painfully learning to be more patient and just wait. it's so awfully impossible to be so, though. i just want to explode with excitement and hope! oh, please let it be soon!

because of school and the stupid hours i have to maintain for that; driving to, being on campus, being in class, etc., i've had to cut back a lot in my availability at work. to put it simply: it sucks. i feel like i'm just wasting my time here, and i'd much rather be doing something with my life. Apple allows me to do something, it's a wonderful job and i love it. i'd rather be there than here at this horrible place any hour of the day. there are lots of changes happening at work, most of which are good and i'm excited for, i just don't want to miss out on them due to school. which, if you recall, i loathe. (plus, money kind of comes in handy when you have bills to pay. just a little, right?)

harriet isn't helping my current situation, either. i recently upgraded her to leopard and ilife '09, but ever since i have nothing has been working. it's adding insult to injury, honestly. so far garage band, imovie, iphoto, photobooth and mail have all failed/had something wrong with them. it started with my iSight not working, then i fixed that. then my mic didn't work, then i sort of fixed that. now mail will not work period. it ate a whole huge and important email i was trying to send to d the other day, and it just won't work. i've tried updates, exploding it, reseting it, etc. but still nothing. now i'm going to have to do a partial system archive and re-install of just the mail portion of the os, ugh.

i'm super frustrated with school and work both for keeping me from my boy so often. i literally see him maybe once a week, sometimes it's once a week and a half. as of monday it's going to be impossibly hard to see him for the rest of this semester (month and a half) just because of our work schedules and my stupid school and all this damn coursework i have that i don't have time for in the first place. I HATE PLU.

i hate PLU. a lot of the professors are lovely, and i enjoy them, but i dislike most all of the students and i hate the university as a whole. it's just an overrated prep school that costs way too much money and only works if you don't. (don't work that is, a job and what-not.) also, if you don't live on campus, it's near impossible to go here. basically, it's completely wrong for me and i don't know how i ended up here. oh well, though. what's done is done, i'm going to be out of here soon, soon, soon and all will be better, i'm sure of it. it may take me just a little bit longer to get the degree done, but to get out of here it would be worth it.

i needed a vent, thank you all, if you listened.

i'm hoping to get a dog soon, someone to keep me company, ward off the shadows and dreams at night, and sleep on the foot of my bed to keep me warm.

after school i'm going to race home to drop harriet off at home and race off to catch d getting off work at three. i feel just like the old times when he would get off work at the firm and race to the mall to see me and spend time with me on my breaks. swoon.

xxx mal

dog names

i want a siberian husky, as most of you know, and i've decided to compile a list of all my favourite baby names. (well, at least some of them.) i'm sure one of them would be suitable for a doggy as well as a child. here goes:

girl:

wednesday

adaline

eloise

myra

willow

nolee

eveleen

aislin

aspen

ivy

evelynn

blaire

belle

fern

wren

gwendolyn

brynwyn (nn?)

skye

elle

eryn

rain

drew

sadie

alice

vaia

esther

brooklyn

keeley

zelda

boy:

friday

emmet

carter

derrick

sawyer

forrest

dirk

august

caden

quinn

aiden

liam

arnold

nicolas

roman

london

carroll

graham

i obviously have done more thinking about girl names, which is alright as i plan to get a girl dog.

i also have a list of possible cat names. they are as follows:

comma

ampersand

sir toppum hat

arnold

so it's not a longgg list, i just really want a cat with a grammatical name.

that's all i have to say. i'm going to get ready for work.

xxx

what to do with hearts that have minds of their own

"restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. show me a througouly satisfied man and i will show you a failure." –edison

hello, world. if you'll pardon me a moment, i am now going to deeply level with you:

i'm frustrated with myself. i'm frustrated with myself because i've been getting upset over silly things, lately. little miss sunshine has been more of a little grey raincloud than anything else and i feel let down.

it's no excuse at all, but i know what's wrong with me. it's restlessness. i am completely stuck in mediocrity and i absolutely hate it! i hate that i hate it, though. i feel ungrateful, rude and bratty by being so. i feel in a million directions, and i can't slow myself down -- i don't know how! i am apt to explode. but, with the patience of God, demitri and my friends i'm working toward getting out of this mind rut. yes, this would be why all the 2009 projects.

-----

my goal of not spending any money this year isn't going so well . . . i need to get better at this now that hours have been lessened at work. or get a second job again. i've been working hard-core on my website. i'm trying to get into this whole business thing, i'm even reading lots of business savvy books. (well, i've cracked two open, at least.) i feel somewhat more knowledgeable. the next step is a logo and then business cards. i'm shooting my friends paul and lindsey's wedding in '10! i'm sooper excited about that. aside from that i'm looking into getting some of my photos onto etsy. i'm also looking at getting postcards and cards printed to sell as well as putting some up for sale as stock art. we'll see how this all goes . . . i am hopeful.

the next things i'm saving up for in life are as follows (in no particular order but most likely least expensive to most):

business license application -- $15

trade name registration -- $20

this bracelet (with 'hello, i love you.' engraved on it; all lowercase.) -- $57

this poster (in either red or charcoal grey.) -- $25

a bikini for summer. -- $25

printing a book of my poetry. -- $whoknows (oh! i should sell on etsy . . .)

a fisheye lens. -- $40–$700 (depending on where purchased. p.s. a lot of fisheye lenses have macro capability. so i might not need two separate!)

a macro lens. -- $80–$1,000 (depending on where purchased.)

portrait lighting. -- $300–$500

macbook pro. -- $2,000

i have grande' ambitions in life, what can i say?

moving on from the money aspects of my life. (man, it has been on my mind so pressingly, lately. makes me crazy.) this semester is almost over. oh, what a joyous day the 31st will be! it will be nice to be back into the groove of having six classes instead of one. -horrible face- at least i'll be done in april. (i accidentally picked all first-half semester classes again, UGH.)

the first weekend in february i'm going down to oregon with d and his lovely family to celebrate his little nephew's first birthday and the 20th birthday of crazy alexi. it will be fun, fun, fun. apparently we're going to the opera. omw, posh!

i'm all one-track minded now, oops! so off i go to read, read, read! gotta think of a better name for my photography business/studio. "malarayofsunshine photography" is much too long and i am intensely serious about getting this show on the road.

xxx m

3/76 time? Is that a technical musician's term?

Why does Blogger always insist on making my nicely clean and crisply edited photos look lame and sub-par? It's so rude.

Isn't that an amusing photo? Walking back to my car I noticed that on campus the other day. Too much.

Just a note: Kimmi and my song, "Falling For a Time Lord" is totally off tempo, we're going to re-record soon. <3

I had many clever and witty things to say and now I'm just run down. Blogger decided to delete this huge chunk of my writing and I also received a really random IM from someone I hadn't spoken to in ages just a few minutes before sitting down to finish this blog and it put me in a sore mood because talking to people who are negative all the time does that to me.

How do people who always go around with a perpetual rain cloud over their head seeing the world through sunglasses stay alive? It seems such an aggravating existence. I could not even imagine. Like I said, I'm tired now so you will all have to deal with excerpts from my brain and the day.

Here is a little something I typed up while testing myself to see if I could still type as fast on a split-down-the-middle keyboard as on my Mac. I was pleasantly surprised; I can.

Jazz is quite nice but typing on this keyboard is not. I really dislike keyboards like this one, gotta refresh my muscles with what it is like to use one. Oh, well, they seem to be doing relatively well! That's wonderful.

It's 40 past noon now, I'm here 'til 2. YIKES! The phone just rang. You'd think I had just seen a meteor with the rate at which my heart skyrocketed! Wow. False alarm, though. It was Jenapher's line, not listener support.

Whew. This is quite exiting. I think I'm going to try and write myself an email with all of this in it at the end of the day so I (and you) can see all the mental things I've thought/said through the first crazy day. Cell phones are supposed to be off during on-hours-oops, mine's not.

Today (according to Jen) is a slow day and while she's away at lunch.

Directly after that the telephone rang! What an adventure today was. We gave away tickets. Yes. I have become that person that you get when you call into a station and ask if you won the tickets you just scrambled to dial for.

It's also nice to know I still have my PC dealing skills on ready demand, seeing as the whole radio office runs off PCs. Odd to be back in that interface though, I must admit.

School starts soon.
Note to self: find out the books you'll need!

I'm back on a high of these artists: Sondre Lerche, Eisley, Owl City, Greg Holden, The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac and Sandrine.

Also check this out: http://www.musicovery.com/
Cade showed me that the other day, it's supercool.

Bah, now I'm talking just to talk. I feel lame. I want a thunder and lightning storm.

Work tomorrow.

Happy birthday, Davey.

xx mal